supposed to be writing (#19)

...suddenly, it was no longer spring

suddenly, it was no longer spring. suddenly, the traffic light changed. suddenly, the dog refused to come when called. suddenly, the cup held only the dregs of the coffee. suddenly, there was nothing keeping me here. or anywhere.

i let go and suddenly, there was no more time. i wandered forward and backward through les allées of time like vineyard rows that neatly organize haphazard tangles of leaves and creeping plants and i ended up in the same place. there is no such thing as suddenly and therefore you are never out of time. these things built around me slowly, i was ensnared as they wrapped around me but i could still move so i didn’t mind. i grew accustomed to the place where i was sitting because my feet could still reach an edge and my toes would wrap around it like a comma to keep me in place. i was vertical and the world horizontal or vice versa because time is shaped like a sphere and it is infinitely deep.

suddenly the book closed and the light went out and i had to wait to think about things again. in these moments i am most free because i cannot see my own limitations and so i imagine even bigger things that resemble disorderly strokes of vibrant color but are often contorted into the shape of a disordered face. i hadn’t yet decided if this face was me so i let the squiggles go instead and they became a cushion to prop me up so that i was comfortable even though i was floating. i wondered if i had to do something, because not everybody does. the fevertree had stopped blooming and as the dark drew nearer i stopped moving as much. i look more and more like everyone else and don’t know what it means, until someone tells me that it doesn’t matter because i’m the only one left to look. i can’t see them though, so maybe they were shut on the other side of the page. this is better than the braying laugh that isn’t distant enough.

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–      ­feed me

i’ve been going to the market on Sundays because it’s cheap and a reason to go outside on a day when I don’t want to do much. I bought a chicken from one vendor 3 weeks in a row and on the 4th he gave me a discount on a larger chicken, which was all that was left. i also say hi to my vegetable people, who sell interesting fruit. these trips are almost as important to my happiness as my ice cube tray. it’s iced coffee season. 

-       read me

I’m slowly going through Les méduses n’ont pas d’oreilles [literally: jellyfish don’t have ears] which is creative and transports you a bit and makes you worry about how much you wear headphones. I started l’image fantôme (ty MER) which is unsurprisingly brilliant and if you haven’t read Hervé Guibert you should (david, you have a translated copy of l’ami qui ne m’a pas sauvé la vie on my bookshelf….). i am however totally saturated and writing a lot, so my other reads have been in service of this.

-       thank you

it’s been a year since I started this project, which is unbelievable on many counts. thank you to friends & family who’ve agreed to keep up with me here instead of through normal social channels. thank you to friends of friends (especially friends of david) who read even if they haven’t actually met me. i can’t tell you how helpful it is to have you as readers, and generous ones at that.

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TRUISM 32ty1048gP: wear sunscreen.